Sidney's Zombie: Part One.

Last week's face-eating incident in Florida left anyone with a hint of foresight anxiously awaiting the emergence of zombie hordes created by the usual relentless pyramid scheme of the undead. Yes yes, I know that the whole thing has been blamed on some sort of new drug, but honestly, would you buy a drug that made you eat people's faces?  Certainly not my idea of a good time. 

Obviously the whole drug story is just part of the usual cover-up.  In fact, this is exactly how the end of the world starts in all the books and movies dealing with that as a topic: first denial, then escalation.

But you have to wonder a little bit about the whole zombie thing.  After all, the very concept of the walking dead is contradictory - how do you logically explain the whole idea of dead people strolling about in search of brains?  So, after some thought and consideration, I give to you mortis ambulatus: colloquially (and utterly without modesty) Sidney's Zombie.

*  *  *

Let us consider the humble virus.  Interestingly, rather like zombies, viruses are not really alive by standard biological standards, but persist in performing activities that mimic life, like doing their best to go forth and multiply.  Given the manner in which zombies are created and operate, let's assume that the zombie "disease" is a viral phenomenon, like ebola or AIDS.

Like those two diseases, the zombie virus is best served by existence in as many hosts as possible - if not strength, there's certainly survival in numbers.  And, like its colleagues, the zombie virus relies on exchange of biological material to infect new hosts.

All three of these diseases are fatal if left untreated - and in many cases fatal even with treatment. Ebola is a fast killer - in fact, almost too fast to be efficient. Ebola basically liquifies its host, turning flesh and organs into a big juicy bag of skin filled with ebola vectors, but does it so quickly that the host loses the ability to move around and infect people. AIDS, on the other hand, gives its hosts a lot more time (relatively speaking) for infection.  Either way, once the host is dead, both these viruses are pretty much finished if they haven't already managed to make new friends.

And there lies the superiority of the zombie virus. The untreated fatality rate seems to be 100%*, but unlike its siblings, the zombie virus doesn't let death stand in the way of finding new victims.  One can only admire the evolutionary development that led to such a brilliant solution to this fundamental problem.

I'd like to keep this discussion readable, so we'll take a little break, and then come back and look at how the zombie virus does its job.

- Sid

* Generally zombie movies don't discuss the idea of treating victims because most people who are infected through zombie bites die as a result of the wound - or wounds - and don't really have enough time for the virus to kill them.  However, the first Resident Evil movie includes a drug that treats the zombie "disease".

DISCLAIMER: I'm certain that other people have speculated as to the science of zombies, but I've deliberately avoided doing any research.  As such, my thoughts on this topic are unsullied by any sort of accurate scientific knowledge.